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        Support independent, student-run journalism.

        Your support helps give staff members from all backgrounds the opportunity to conduct meaningful reporting on important issues at Stanford. All contributions are tax-deductible.

        In response to bike injuries, Stanford to expel students for safety infractions

        Satire by

        Starting Monday, all students given tickets for bike hazards will be expelled upon their first infraction. Students have broken out into uproar in response. 

        Henry Booker ’22, was not happy about this rule change.

        “Police officers already camp out on the major roads and hand out tickets for missing bike lights or headphone misuse. What is this? 1984?” Booker asked.

        Lillian Willis ‘21 shared Booker’s anger.

        “No, that can’t be real,” Willis said. “What were they thinking? Like, what?”

        As much as students complain, the administration says it’s about time for stricter enforcement. Officers don’t feel like students are taking their authority seriously, and the University is worrying about its student safety. As a result, Stanford has decided to raise the stakes. Now, all students given tickets for bike hazards will be expelled upon their first infraction. 

        Jane Fellows, head of the bike safety commission, explained the reasoning behind the strict policy.

        “Frankly,” Fellows said, “We just don’t want any kind of rule-breakers on our campus. They’re the most serious threat to our community. Real Stanford students stop their bikes at stop signs.”

        Make sure to practice bike safety. Otherwise, it could cost you your career. The Campus Bike Shop will be running free bike safety sessions for all those who are planning to not get expelled. 

        Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

        Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.

        Kirsten Mettler '23 writes satire and opinions for the Daily. She is interested in political science, law and justice, and occasionally dabbles in theater.
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